Losing a friend can be as painful for kids as the end of a romantic relationship is for adults. It’s also extremely common.

Research tells us that friendship breakups are very common for kids. Half of first-graders’ best friendships and one-quarter of fourth-graders’ best friendships don’t make it from fall to spring.

Sometimes friends just drift apart. They don’t spend as much time together, or their interests shift, so they have less in common. Sometimes the end of a friendship is explosive, fueled by anger, bitter accusations and resentment: “She told my secret!” “He broke my diorama!” “I’m never speaking to you again!”

The saddest friendship breakups are one-sided. One kid wants to continue the friendship, but the other kid is drawn to a new best friend or a new (perhaps more popular) group of friends. The left-behind friend feels crushed.

When your child gets dumped by a friend, it’s tempting to go all mother lioness, ferociously protecting your cub. You may fantasize about giving that mean kid a piece of your mind or calling the other parent to report what’s happening. Don’t. Parental interference will only make things worse. Friendship problems are something that kids need to work out on their own. You can comfort and coach your child, but you can’t force anyone to be friends with your child.

Here are some ideas for how to help your child cope with a friendship breakup:

Comfort first. When kids get dumped by a friend, some extra loving from a parent can ease the sting. While your child is feeling raw, just offer comfort and acknowledge your child’s feelings, describing what you observe. For example, you could say something like, “It hurt your feelings when he said that” or “You’re mad that she only wants to hang out with him now” or “You’re feeling left out.” Knowing you understand lightens the burden of big feelings for your child.

This is not the time to point out perceived character or personality flaws in the child. “See? Didn’t I tell you? If you weren’t so bossy…” or "If you didn’t act so silly…” Even if you’ve observed missteps that may have contributed to the breakup, it’s never a good idea to bring up these observations when your child is already feeling hurt.

Don’t dis the other kid. It’s hard to feel charitable toward someone who has hurt your child, but criticizing the other kid isn’t a good idea. Children’s feelings can change rapidly, and your child may reconnect with this kid at some point. You may also need to discourage your child from trying to get even with the other kid – such as by yelling at or hitting the other kid or spreading gossip.

Not all breakups are permanent. Maybe all that’s needed is some time for tempers to cool. Today your child may be telling you that her “former” friend hates her, but tomorrow, she may be asking to have the same kid over for a play date.

Most children’s conflicts aren’t resolved by big discussions. Instead they separate for a bit and then just act nice to each other. New circumstances – such as being on the same sports team or in the same class – may also bring kids together again. Or maybe one or both kids just need some time to grow up before they reconnect.

Promote openness to other friendships. Often the end of one friendship can make room for new friendships, but your child may need some help during this time of transition. For instance, you may need to brainstorm together about which other kids your child could sit with at lunch. Your child may also have some casual friendships where you could fan the flames. Who could your child invite over? What new activity could your child sign up for that could lead to meeting potential friends?

A fun outing – maybe bowling, laser tag or just a trip to the ice cream store – could also be a good way for your child to build or deepen a friendship. Spending enjoyable time together helps children get to know each other better and builds a foundation of shared experiences that can lead to friendship. In general, kids make friends by doing fun things together.

Moving Forward
When kids are in the midst of a breakup with a friend, the heartache can feel breathtakingly painful. But just like with adult romantic breakups, hearts heal. That’s an important lesson for kids to learn. Your child definitely won’t stay as sad or hurt by this friendship breakup as time goes on. Maybe it will be resolved, or maybe your child will move on. We never know what’s around the corner, but usually, the pain of one relationship ending opens the door to new possibilities and a new understanding of our own strength and resilience.

Source: 3 Ways to Help your Child Cope with Being Dumped by a Friend