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The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents
NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • An urgently needed guide to help parents understand their teenagers’ intense and often fraught emotional lives—and how to support them through this critical developmental stage—from the New York Times bestselling author of Untangled and Under Pressure
In teenagers, powerful emotions come with the territory. And with so many of today’s teens contending with academic pressure, social media stress, worries about the future, and concerns about their own mental health, it’s easy for them—and their parents—to feel anxious and overwhelmed. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
Parents who read this book will
• what to expect in the normal course of adolescent emotional development and when it’s time to worry
• why teens (and adults) need to understand that mental health isn’t about “feeling good” but about having feelings that fit the moment, even if those feelings are unwanted or painful
• strategies for supporting teens who feel at the mercy of their emotions so they can become psychologically aware and skilled at managing their feelings
• how to approach common challenges that come with adolescence, such as friction at home, spiking anxiety, risky behavior, navigating friendships and romances, the pull of social media, and many more
• the best ways to stay connected to their teens and how to provide the kind of relationship that adolescents need and want
With clear, research-informed explanations alongside illuminating, real-life examples, The Emotional Lives of Teenagers gives parents the concrete, practical information they need to steady their teens through the bumpy yet transformational journey into adulthood.
In teenagers, powerful emotions come with the territory. And with so many of today’s teens contending with academic pressure, social media stress, worries about the future, and concerns about their own mental health, it’s easy for them—and their parents—to feel anxious and overwhelmed. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
Parents who read this book will
• what to expect in the normal course of adolescent emotional development and when it’s time to worry
• why teens (and adults) need to understand that mental health isn’t about “feeling good” but about having feelings that fit the moment, even if those feelings are unwanted or painful
• strategies for supporting teens who feel at the mercy of their emotions so they can become psychologically aware and skilled at managing their feelings
• how to approach common challenges that come with adolescence, such as friction at home, spiking anxiety, risky behavior, navigating friendships and romances, the pull of social media, and many more
• the best ways to stay connected to their teens and how to provide the kind of relationship that adolescents need and want
With clear, research-informed explanations alongside illuminating, real-life examples, The Emotional Lives of Teenagers gives parents the concrete, practical information they need to steady their teens through the bumpy yet transformational journey into adulthood.
229 pages, Hardcover
Published February 21, 2023
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 538 reviews
April 12, 2024
This was EXCELLENT. I read it very slowly over the course of 9 months and I feel like I want to keep re-reading it basically forever.
March 9, 2023
I read this twice…it was sensible, kind and encouraging. If you know a teenager, raise a teenager or have child of any age:), this is a must read. As a mom and school counselor (middle school), I felt like a sponge and will recommend it all over the place.
April 7, 2023
Mental health is not about feeling good; instead, it's about having the right feelings at the right time and being able to manage those feelings effectively.
With practical, straightforward advice, Dr. Lisa Damour's The Emotional Lives of Teenagers unpacks the complex emotions that come with adolescence, while providing both parents and teens with tips and strategies to navigate the intensity of the teenage years.
I think this book made me understand my teenagers better than having been a teenager myself. And that actually makes sense because, as Dr. Damour points out, teens today are dealing with a completely different set of issues than most of their parents were in the 1990s. Today's teens are dealing with environmental and political strife, social unrest, internet culture, and the fallout from a global pandemic. Obviously, at least some of these factors have affected their mental health.
Dr. Damour's pragmatic, unbiased advice is presented in a readable way that feels comforting and reassuring, while also still backed by science. I've already put some of her tips into action when interacting with my teenage sons and have been encouraged by their responses. Yes, much of her advice sounds like common sense -- but as any parent of a teenager will tell you, common sense isn't always at the forefront when you're dealing with an intense, emotionally fraught situation with your kid. It's good to have a roadmap for those times, which is exactly what this book provides in spades.
I know I'll refer back to The Emotional Lives of Teenagers frequently over the next several years, and I'll be recommending it to all the parents of preteens and teenagers I know.
June 1, 2023
The right book at the right time. Lisa Damour is insightful and this book is a short, quick read. I found it to be reassuring, and I’m recommending it to every tween parent I know.
March 22, 2023
Anna Freud:
This book in a nutshell: We are to help teens to identify and manage their emotions by talking, asking them carefully worded probing questions (sometimes obliquely), distracting, making sure they get enough sleep, and teaching them deep breathing techniques. Sometimes just empathizing is enough. No mention of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which has been shown to have superb outcomes. With that summary and the epigraph (included in her earlier book as well), you're done; move on.
I have worked with teens for over 30 years. This is so WASP-y wishy washy I cannot fathom using any of the scripts contained herein. We all have different communication and parenting styles and this fuzzy teddy bear style is not mine (which you know if you've read my other reviews).
Is your kid acting like an abusive jerk to you?
Damour: "Honey, what's troubling you?"
Me: "Shutting the WiFi down until you learn respect" [there is no TV in the room].
Behavior doesn't improve?
Damour: "You can be friendly or tell me what's wrong while being civil, or you can let me know you need some space" (84).
Me: "Taking away the cellphone [and car keys; you can take the bus]."
Celebrity Steve Harvey recommends other techniques (take everything out of the kid's room and store it except for the outfit the kid will wear the next day to school) until behavior improves. Black friends tell me that's just Black parenting style; I haven't observed that.
None of that appears in this book.
Having read Damour's other books, I should have expected more of the same, but it seemed like entire chapters, not merely paragraphs, were lifted verbatim from her earlier books. Those earlier books, Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood, and Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls were explicitly focused on girls. Undoubtedly, she and her publisher wanted a broader audience, so she just inserted "Zach" in several chapters and a smattering of more references to boys as well as girls, and kept everything else the same.
If you have only one note to play, play it and get off the stage. Someone get the hook.
Damour is a counseling therapist, not a researcher. She makes a statement and then references some single study to support it. That's called cherrypicking the data and is not only poor writing and research, but so common at this point it calls into question the entire academic enterprise. I can provide a dozen more that contradict the ones she cites with better methodologies and large, random samples. Perhaps you have read of the replication crisis in psychological research: when even foundational studies were reproduced, the effects were not. This renders the studies pretty much worthless, since reproducibility is the core of the scientific method. There's a lot of that here. Far preferable are statements like this one on page 95,
"Some studies suggest a link between the rise of cellphone use and adolescent mental health problems, while other research fails to support this sweeping conclusion. And some studies indicate that digital technology can actually contribute to teens' overall sense of well-being." Balanced, measured.
In chapter 2, "Gender and Emotion," Damour discusses gender differences, roundly discarding the entire field of evolutionary biology. This is indefensible since the observed sex-based differences in primate behaviors serve as solid indicators of what are likely innate rather than socially constructed. On pages 70-73, Damour repeats all the basic tenets of gender ideology, "Beyond the Traditional Gender Binary." She puts the egg before the chicken when she declares that "as a result" of being gender nonconforming, these youth have higher rates of substance abuse, depression, anxiety," etc. The rate of teens, especially girls, seeking a gender change increased 4000% in just a few years; the social contagion element is self-evident. The co-occurring issues do not result from gender nonconformity but are all comorbidities. Gender identity is a convenient hook on which to hang discomfort and, in fact, genuine gender dysmorphics (too often diagnosed among autistic youth) usually have multiple psychiatric comorbidities which are usually not relieved by gender redress.
The rational course of action is to bring the disordered mind into alignment with the physical reality. It is irrational to remove healthy tissue and organs, render a troubled adolescent infertile, and administer cross-sex hormones whose impact is irreversible and leads to physical disease in order to align with a disordered mind. That is malpractice, short-sighted, cruel, and reflects a shallow understanding of the adolescent's ego and identity needs.
She deals with this issue in the most superficial way imaginable. In her defense, I sense she is pretty uncomfortable with going along with the trend on this, but it could be my projection. She does not recommend pushing back, as in, "Gee, hon, you have been wearing a dress and makeup for the past three years, dancing en pointe in ballet, and now you're telling me you're really a boy. There must be something else that's troubling you." No, for Damour and the other practitioners of the emotional idiocy of gender-affirming care, there is only one permissible response, "OK!" Unbelievable. Refer to epigraph: "It is normal for an adolescent to behave for a considerable length of time in an inconsistent and unpredictable manner."
Astonishingly, on the very next page and in the succeeding chapters, Damour decides to "turn our attention to making sense of the emotional upheaval that is entirely natural to adolescence" (73). She discusses the "massive rewiring process" in the teen brain and that brain maturation keeps going until the age of 24. Right. Ergo, don't set anything in stone.
Her earlier books were better but focused on girls. This one is a mediocre re-hash and I never had the sense that she was fully committed to it. If you have a son, read Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male Is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do about It or any of Leonard Sax's books.
“I take it that it is normal for an adolescent to behave for a considerable length of time in an inconsistent and unpredictable manner; to fight her impulses and accept them; to love her parents and to hate them; to revolt against them and be dependent on them; to be deeply ashamed to acknowledge her mother before others and, unexpectedly, to desire heart-to-heart talks with her; to thrive on imitation of others while searching unceasingly for her own identity; to be more idealistic, artistic, generous, and unselfish than she will ever be again, but also the opposite: self-centered, egoistic, calculating. Such fluctuations and extreme opposites would be deemed highly abnormal at any other time of life. At this time they may signify no more than that an adult structure of personality takes a long time to emerge, that the individual in question does not cease to experiment and is in no hurry to close down on possibilities.”
This book in a nutshell: We are to help teens to identify and manage their emotions by talking, asking them carefully worded probing questions (sometimes obliquely), distracting, making sure they get enough sleep, and teaching them deep breathing techniques. Sometimes just empathizing is enough. No mention of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which has been shown to have superb outcomes. With that summary and the epigraph (included in her earlier book as well), you're done; move on.
I have worked with teens for over 30 years. This is so WASP-y wishy washy I cannot fathom using any of the scripts contained herein. We all have different communication and parenting styles and this fuzzy teddy bear style is not mine (which you know if you've read my other reviews).
Is your kid acting like an abusive jerk to you?
Damour: "Honey, what's troubling you?"
Me: "Shutting the WiFi down until you learn respect" [there is no TV in the room].
Behavior doesn't improve?
Damour: "You can be friendly or tell me what's wrong while being civil, or you can let me know you need some space" (84).
Me: "Taking away the cellphone [and car keys; you can take the bus]."
Celebrity Steve Harvey recommends other techniques (take everything out of the kid's room and store it except for the outfit the kid will wear the next day to school) until behavior improves. Black friends tell me that's just Black parenting style; I haven't observed that.
None of that appears in this book.
Having read Damour's other books, I should have expected more of the same, but it seemed like entire chapters, not merely paragraphs, were lifted verbatim from her earlier books. Those earlier books, Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood, and Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls were explicitly focused on girls. Undoubtedly, she and her publisher wanted a broader audience, so she just inserted "Zach" in several chapters and a smattering of more references to boys as well as girls, and kept everything else the same.
If you have only one note to play, play it and get off the stage. Someone get the hook.
Damour is a counseling therapist, not a researcher. She makes a statement and then references some single study to support it. That's called cherrypicking the data and is not only poor writing and research, but so common at this point it calls into question the entire academic enterprise. I can provide a dozen more that contradict the ones she cites with better methodologies and large, random samples. Perhaps you have read of the replication crisis in psychological research: when even foundational studies were reproduced, the effects were not. This renders the studies pretty much worthless, since reproducibility is the core of the scientific method. There's a lot of that here. Far preferable are statements like this one on page 95,
"Some studies suggest a link between the rise of cellphone use and adolescent mental health problems, while other research fails to support this sweeping conclusion. And some studies indicate that digital technology can actually contribute to teens' overall sense of well-being." Balanced, measured.
In chapter 2, "Gender and Emotion," Damour discusses gender differences, roundly discarding the entire field of evolutionary biology. This is indefensible since the observed sex-based differences in primate behaviors serve as solid indicators of what are likely innate rather than socially constructed. On pages 70-73, Damour repeats all the basic tenets of gender ideology, "Beyond the Traditional Gender Binary." She puts the egg before the chicken when she declares that "as a result" of being gender nonconforming, these youth have higher rates of substance abuse, depression, anxiety," etc. The rate of teens, especially girls, seeking a gender change increased 4000% in just a few years; the social contagion element is self-evident. The co-occurring issues do not result from gender nonconformity but are all comorbidities. Gender identity is a convenient hook on which to hang discomfort and, in fact, genuine gender dysmorphics (too often diagnosed among autistic youth) usually have multiple psychiatric comorbidities which are usually not relieved by gender redress.
The rational course of action is to bring the disordered mind into alignment with the physical reality. It is irrational to remove healthy tissue and organs, render a troubled adolescent infertile, and administer cross-sex hormones whose impact is irreversible and leads to physical disease in order to align with a disordered mind. That is malpractice, short-sighted, cruel, and reflects a shallow understanding of the adolescent's ego and identity needs.
She deals with this issue in the most superficial way imaginable. In her defense, I sense she is pretty uncomfortable with going along with the trend on this, but it could be my projection. She does not recommend pushing back, as in, "Gee, hon, you have been wearing a dress and makeup for the past three years, dancing en pointe in ballet, and now you're telling me you're really a boy. There must be something else that's troubling you." No, for Damour and the other practitioners of the emotional idiocy of gender-affirming care, there is only one permissible response, "OK!" Unbelievable. Refer to epigraph: "It is normal for an adolescent to behave for a considerable length of time in an inconsistent and unpredictable manner."
Astonishingly, on the very next page and in the succeeding chapters, Damour decides to "turn our attention to making sense of the emotional upheaval that is entirely natural to adolescence" (73). She discusses the "massive rewiring process" in the teen brain and that brain maturation keeps going until the age of 24. Right. Ergo, don't set anything in stone.
Her earlier books were better but focused on girls. This one is a mediocre re-hash and I never had the sense that she was fully committed to it. If you have a son, read Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male Is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do about It or any of Leonard Sax's books.
January 7, 2024
This two-star rating is more a reflection of my subjective experience with this book, rather than the quality of the book itself. There is some good advice here, but it felt like recycled material from Damour's previous book Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls. I really appreciate Damour's advice on how to have meaningful conversations with teens. I filed away a few of her simple and practical suggestions, such as, if your teen girl is despairing over a minor setback in life, rather than assuring her that it's not really a big deal, instead ask her how she would encourage her best friend in the same situation, or how she might reflect on this issue ten years from now. Both professionally and personally, Damour seems like an excellent listener, and she inspires me to do better.
While the advice regarding teen girls is useful, I found myself a little underwhelmed by Damour's guidance on navigating the emotional landscapes of teen boys, especially when it comes to helping boys grapple with their emerging masculinity. She chalks up the differences between boys and girls mostly to socialization and evolutionary outcomes which we can/should overcome, and it sometimes seems like she wants to iron out any distinctions in how parents ought to encourage each gender. Likewise, I found her remarks regarding the challenges facing African American teens rather flat and uncurious. A more robust analysis of these pressing issues, one that prioritizes the health and well-being of black teenagers over being fashionably PC, is definitely needed.
If you've already read a Damour book, or if you’re mostly interested in advice for adolescent boys, I would pass on this one.
While the advice regarding teen girls is useful, I found myself a little underwhelmed by Damour's guidance on navigating the emotional landscapes of teen boys, especially when it comes to helping boys grapple with their emerging masculinity. She chalks up the differences between boys and girls mostly to socialization and evolutionary outcomes which we can/should overcome, and it sometimes seems like she wants to iron out any distinctions in how parents ought to encourage each gender. Likewise, I found her remarks regarding the challenges facing African American teens rather flat and uncurious. A more robust analysis of these pressing issues, one that prioritizes the health and well-being of black teenagers over being fashionably PC, is definitely needed.
If you've already read a Damour book, or if you’re mostly interested in advice for adolescent boys, I would pass on this one.
March 4, 2024
A great book for anyone interacting with teens. This books helps you understand the developmental stage of teens, is a practical guide to being present with them, and reminds you that your own emotional awareness/regulation is essential to a healthy relationship with them.
April 4, 2024
I really enjoyed and got a lot out of this book. I have many flagged pages and found it to be clear and practical. Amaya is 11, but I learned that that is considered part of teenagerdom, in terms of brain development, etc. Lots of interesting brain science too. I also liked this as a teacher of teens - it gave a lot of really good framing to help understand where they are coming from and how they perceive the world. Recommend!!
January 18, 2024
Super practical, rational advice for understanding all varieties of teenage emotions and how to help your child express and manage them. Definitely recommend reading before your kids are actually teenagers. It’s probably one that I’ll reread/relisten to annually to make sure I’ve really got it! Damour also has a podcast that I’d recommend!
February 28, 2023
The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents by
Lisa Damour, Ph.D.
6h 15m narrated by the author, 256 pages
Genre: Parenting, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Psychology, Family & Relationships, Health, Self-Improvement
Featuring: Epigraphs, Not Okay With Distress or Unhappiness, Medication Overload, Wellness Industry, Emotional Health, Myths, Cold and Hot Cognition, Stereotypes, Brain Development, Managing Emotions, Expressing Feelings, Getting Teens To Open Up, Technology, Parenting
Rating as a movie: PG-13
Quotes: "Mental health is not about feeling good; instead, it's about having the right feelings at the right time and being able to manage those feelings effectively."
"The higher quality psychological defenses distort reality the least, the less adaptive ones blunt psychological distress by messing with the truth."
My rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟❤️
My thoughts: 📱13% 48:05 Emotional Discomfort Promotes Growth - So far, this is very informative. I hope more people read it because it's spot-on.
It's not often I'm upset I didn't read a book sooner, but man, I wish I could have read this book 10 years ago, unfortunately, it was only published last week. This is a must-read for parents, teachers, and inquisitive teens. I rarely say that, but this book was spot-on and mind-blowing with almost no bias, which is very rare these days. The language is very contemporary, so my brain soaked it right up. There were so many awesome quotes, but they were long, so I only quoted the main idea and later just stopped. I will be buying the print version for reference.
Recommend to others?: Absolutely! This is the best teen book I've ever read. Ever! If you work or live with teens, pick this one up.
Lisa Damour, Ph.D.
6h 15m narrated by the author, 256 pages
Genre: Parenting, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Psychology, Family & Relationships, Health, Self-Improvement
Featuring: Epigraphs, Not Okay With Distress or Unhappiness, Medication Overload, Wellness Industry, Emotional Health, Myths, Cold and Hot Cognition, Stereotypes, Brain Development, Managing Emotions, Expressing Feelings, Getting Teens To Open Up, Technology, Parenting
Rating as a movie: PG-13
Quotes: "Mental health is not about feeling good; instead, it's about having the right feelings at the right time and being able to manage those feelings effectively."
"The higher quality psychological defenses distort reality the least, the less adaptive ones blunt psychological distress by messing with the truth."
My rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟❤️
My thoughts: 📱13% 48:05 Emotional Discomfort Promotes Growth - So far, this is very informative. I hope more people read it because it's spot-on.
It's not often I'm upset I didn't read a book sooner, but man, I wish I could have read this book 10 years ago, unfortunately, it was only published last week. This is a must-read for parents, teachers, and inquisitive teens. I rarely say that, but this book was spot-on and mind-blowing with almost no bias, which is very rare these days. The language is very contemporary, so my brain soaked it right up. There were so many awesome quotes, but they were long, so I only quoted the main idea and later just stopped. I will be buying the print version for reference.
Recommend to others?: Absolutely! This is the best teen book I've ever read. Ever! If you work or live with teens, pick this one up.
June 20, 2023
I borrowed this from the library but will be buying my own copy. Would highly recommend this book to any parent of a child age 10 and up. I found her advice to be sensible and the examples really relatable. I liked how she explained the why behind how preteens and teens act. I also love the credit she gives to kids on the way they see and interact with the world. I have also really been liking her podcast. Especially liked her advice on setting boundaries and how to have various conversations with teens.
April 2, 2024
This was just so informative I loved every bit of this book. I have three teenagers right now and one tween and felt like every single experience mentioned pertained to at least one of my children at some point in their lives. Plus it has fantastic how to tips on what to do when you find yourself in these situations with your teens. I wish I had read this years ago, but I can easily see this being one I listen to again down the road.
February 29, 2024
(Audio)
Def one that should be first read in the early elementary years, and re-read pre-teen. I’m obv a bit late, but still incredibly insightful and optimistic (feeling perfect all the time is not the goal! ). And good reminder as always to not take things personally, and to step back and not get sucked in to the vortex of wild teen-ness. Quotes to come when I’m able to re-check it out from the library.
Def one that should be first read in the early elementary years, and re-read pre-teen. I’m obv a bit late, but still incredibly insightful and optimistic (feeling perfect all the time is not the goal! ). And good reminder as always to not take things personally, and to step back and not get sucked in to the vortex of wild teen-ness. Quotes to come when I’m able to re-check it out from the library.
April 17, 2023
4.5. Some really good nuggets. Like her calm approach, need to work on mine!
September 23, 2023
As an educator and a parent, this book was excellent! I wish I would have been able to read it when my oldest was in elementary school. I have been passing this title along to my colleagues, friends, and parents of students.
This book is well balanced with stories, research, and concrete strategies and language to use with adolescents.
This book is well balanced with stories, research, and concrete strategies and language to use with adolescents.
October 30, 2023
This is a helpful book for anyone who finds themselves wading the stormy waters of caring for adolescents. While meant for parents, it could also be helpful for teachers and other people who work with adolescents:
June 13, 2023
I’m sure this book is GREAT if you are parenting neurotypical teens. But disclaimer on this review: I am raising teens on the autism spectrum, who have ADHD, and who live with mood disorders. This book had a few nuggets of wisdom for me, but I was disappointed that she didn’t mention neurodiversity once. Kudos for mentioning that gender is not a binary and that systemic racism is a huge part of the social emotional problems that Black teens face. But there’s not much here if you’re parenting a neurodiverse teen.
For example: "Just as parents can raise boys to be every bit as empathetic as girls, they can shape how aggressive their sons turn out to be.”
This hits hard because one of our boys struggles with empathy and aggression. As she suggests, we have always helped him find his empathy but it goes against how his mind works, which is to understand things literally and in black and white. Same with aggression. We’ve always helped him express his feelings and he’s been in all the programs and therapies. It’s like he can’t access his feelings or they come blaring out of the blue. The easiest emotion to express is anger and then aggression. There is more to these elements of a teen’s interior world than parenting can impact. And so I take issue with this and I didn’t appreciate that she left out how different the emotional lives of neurodiverse teens are.
I skimmed the rest and read the part about navigating our own emotions and modeling. And yes I’ve been doing that for 14 years and yes it’s still hard.
For example: "Just as parents can raise boys to be every bit as empathetic as girls, they can shape how aggressive their sons turn out to be.”
This hits hard because one of our boys struggles with empathy and aggression. As she suggests, we have always helped him find his empathy but it goes against how his mind works, which is to understand things literally and in black and white. Same with aggression. We’ve always helped him express his feelings and he’s been in all the programs and therapies. It’s like he can’t access his feelings or they come blaring out of the blue. The easiest emotion to express is anger and then aggression. There is more to these elements of a teen’s interior world than parenting can impact. And so I take issue with this and I didn’t appreciate that she left out how different the emotional lives of neurodiverse teens are.
I skimmed the rest and read the part about navigating our own emotions and modeling. And yes I’ve been doing that for 14 years and yes it’s still hard.
November 11, 2022
A must read for parents of tweens and teens. Damour writes in an easy to understand, relatable and common sense manner. Her advice is practical - we must make sure our kids are having the correct emotions at the right time vs trying to make them happy all the time. Thank you NetGalley for the ARC.
March 14, 2023
Very, very basic
February 20, 2024
There were some good nuggets that I appreciated but somehow this one mostly fell a little flat for me. Never felt particularly revelatory. I think I might need a parenting book break lol. Here are the bits I saved:
When any teen says something that is cruel or mean, it’s time to do some teaching. What’s the lesson? That their anger isn’t the problem, but the way they are showing it is. When your teenager goes too far, you can respond calmly with “I don’t think that’s how you meant for that to come out. Try again?” or “You might be mad, but you can’t talk to me that way,” or “You may well have a point but you need to find a civil way to express it,” or “I don’t speak to you that way. You may not speak to me that way.”
“I think you know this, but I’m going to say it anyway: It’s wrong to make fun of a guy for getting upset. You are never to do it. And if you see someone else giving a hurting kid a hard time, you need to be good to the kid who’s hurting, tell the other kid to knock it off, or both.”
So long as boys don’t know how to handle feeling insecure, they’re going to start demeaning girls by age eleven or sooner.”Sexual harassment is about power at any age. Boys who treat girls in degrading ways are abusing their cultural power to try to elevate themselves and ease their own insecurities.
One reliable way to ensure self-esteem is to be of service to others. For tweens and teens, this can range from caring for younger siblings or pets, to having chores that make a real contribution to the household, to participating in regular volunteer work in the broader community. Self-worth can be fragile in young people. When a star athlete has a terrible game, or a strong student fails a test, it’s easy for them to feel like the bottom of a shoe. But when our kids make themselves useful, two good things happen at once. First, their attention is pulled outward and they get a break from worrying about their own concerns and shortcomings. Second, they are reminded of all that they have to offer. As people sometimes say, it’s hard to be sad and useful at the same time.
Young people seem to develop an especially sturdy form of self-esteem when they refine a skill or a craft that they choose to pursue on their own and not, as so often happens, because they are told or expected to do so.
Here’s a personal pro tip: When your teenager points out your shortcomings, try to keep an open mind. In my experience, adolescents’ descriptions of adults tend to be pretty spot-on. If we can tolerate their feedback, our teens may even help us grow. Should you be wondering whether your adolescent’s critiques hold water, try asking a kind and clear-eyed partner or friend for a second opinion. Your teen might be telling you something that is worth trying to work on, even if they don’t bring it to your attention in the nicest way.
If everybody is doing their job, teenagers will be pushing for more freedom and flexibility than their parents are inclined to allow, and parents will be pulling back on them, saying no to some requests and enforcing reasonable rules. If you find yourself living with this tension, take heart. It usually means that everything is going exactly as it should.
Consider saying, “Let’s do this. I’m going to try to describe the situation from your perspective. When I’m done, you’re going to tell me what I’m missing and where I’m off track.” Do your level best to articulate how you think your teenager sees the situation and then be open to feedback about what you left out or got wrong.
I cannot argue enough for centering any discussion of risky behavior on the topic of safety. Of course we have good reasons to talk with teens about what we think is morally right and the trouble they could get into with the law. But our teens may not share our moral stance or may consider the laws regulating drugs or drinking to be nonsensical and may feel it unlikely that they’ll get caught anyway. And while supervising adolescents can keep them safe, it would be impossible (and developmentally inappropriate) to try to monitor teens all the time. Focusing squarely on safety keeps the emphasis where it belongs. We love our teenagers, and we worry about their risky behavior not because it’s “wrong,” but because it’s dangerous.
Over time, try to learn what your teenager enjoys most about being online, and what’s annoying, frustrating, or unsettling. Ask what, if anything, your teen has done to try to make the time spent online more positive. And, if you’re an avid tech user, talk openly about how you’ve navigated the same challenges yourself.
Healthy relationships are equitable, kind, and enjoyable; unhealthy relationships are lopsided, harsh, or stressful. More than anything, healthy relationships feel good. They are warm and energizing and bring out the best aspects of our personality. In contrast, unhealthy relationships leave us feeling anxious or uneasy, or bring to the surface the traits in ourselves that we like least.
The same teen who stays at a distance during the day may pull up close at night. When this happens, let’s remember that we’re being called to a meeting we want to attend.
But if we’re home and one of our teenagers wants to talk to us, we should recognize the opportunity for what it is and welcome it. My instincts in this department are not always good—there’s little I enjoy more than checking tasks off my to-do list—but my decades of clinical practice have been a great help. For many years before I became the mother of teenagers, I heard the parents in my practice lamenting how quickly the end of high school had arrived. So whenever I feel torn between sticking with my own plan for the evening and setting it aside to engage, I remind myself that I will soon have evening upon evening to spend as I please. And when that time comes, I’ll regret it if I didn’t make the most of the nights when one of my teenagers was feeling chatty.
As for effective apologies, researchers have found that they include six components: explicitly saying that you are sorry, offering an explanation, acknowledging responsibility, promising not to repeat the mistake, trying to make amends, and requesting forgiveness.
If you suspect you made a misstep somewhere along the line but don’t know exactly what it was, try not to be defensive, and instead make an earnest appeal to your teen along these lines: “I can tell that you’re not feeling comfortable talking with me about topics that are close to your heart. Is there anything I’ve done or said that has gotten in the way? I’m asking because I want to make it right between us.”
When any teen says something that is cruel or mean, it’s time to do some teaching. What’s the lesson? That their anger isn’t the problem, but the way they are showing it is. When your teenager goes too far, you can respond calmly with “I don’t think that’s how you meant for that to come out. Try again?” or “You might be mad, but you can’t talk to me that way,” or “You may well have a point but you need to find a civil way to express it,” or “I don’t speak to you that way. You may not speak to me that way.”
“I think you know this, but I’m going to say it anyway: It’s wrong to make fun of a guy for getting upset. You are never to do it. And if you see someone else giving a hurting kid a hard time, you need to be good to the kid who’s hurting, tell the other kid to knock it off, or both.”
So long as boys don’t know how to handle feeling insecure, they’re going to start demeaning girls by age eleven or sooner.”Sexual harassment is about power at any age. Boys who treat girls in degrading ways are abusing their cultural power to try to elevate themselves and ease their own insecurities.
One reliable way to ensure self-esteem is to be of service to others. For tweens and teens, this can range from caring for younger siblings or pets, to having chores that make a real contribution to the household, to participating in regular volunteer work in the broader community. Self-worth can be fragile in young people. When a star athlete has a terrible game, or a strong student fails a test, it’s easy for them to feel like the bottom of a shoe. But when our kids make themselves useful, two good things happen at once. First, their attention is pulled outward and they get a break from worrying about their own concerns and shortcomings. Second, they are reminded of all that they have to offer. As people sometimes say, it’s hard to be sad and useful at the same time.
Young people seem to develop an especially sturdy form of self-esteem when they refine a skill or a craft that they choose to pursue on their own and not, as so often happens, because they are told or expected to do so.
Here’s a personal pro tip: When your teenager points out your shortcomings, try to keep an open mind. In my experience, adolescents’ descriptions of adults tend to be pretty spot-on. If we can tolerate their feedback, our teens may even help us grow. Should you be wondering whether your adolescent’s critiques hold water, try asking a kind and clear-eyed partner or friend for a second opinion. Your teen might be telling you something that is worth trying to work on, even if they don’t bring it to your attention in the nicest way.
If everybody is doing their job, teenagers will be pushing for more freedom and flexibility than their parents are inclined to allow, and parents will be pulling back on them, saying no to some requests and enforcing reasonable rules. If you find yourself living with this tension, take heart. It usually means that everything is going exactly as it should.
Consider saying, “Let’s do this. I’m going to try to describe the situation from your perspective. When I’m done, you’re going to tell me what I’m missing and where I’m off track.” Do your level best to articulate how you think your teenager sees the situation and then be open to feedback about what you left out or got wrong.
I cannot argue enough for centering any discussion of risky behavior on the topic of safety. Of course we have good reasons to talk with teens about what we think is morally right and the trouble they could get into with the law. But our teens may not share our moral stance or may consider the laws regulating drugs or drinking to be nonsensical and may feel it unlikely that they’ll get caught anyway. And while supervising adolescents can keep them safe, it would be impossible (and developmentally inappropriate) to try to monitor teens all the time. Focusing squarely on safety keeps the emphasis where it belongs. We love our teenagers, and we worry about their risky behavior not because it’s “wrong,” but because it’s dangerous.
Over time, try to learn what your teenager enjoys most about being online, and what’s annoying, frustrating, or unsettling. Ask what, if anything, your teen has done to try to make the time spent online more positive. And, if you’re an avid tech user, talk openly about how you’ve navigated the same challenges yourself.
Healthy relationships are equitable, kind, and enjoyable; unhealthy relationships are lopsided, harsh, or stressful. More than anything, healthy relationships feel good. They are warm and energizing and bring out the best aspects of our personality. In contrast, unhealthy relationships leave us feeling anxious or uneasy, or bring to the surface the traits in ourselves that we like least.
The same teen who stays at a distance during the day may pull up close at night. When this happens, let’s remember that we’re being called to a meeting we want to attend.
But if we’re home and one of our teenagers wants to talk to us, we should recognize the opportunity for what it is and welcome it. My instincts in this department are not always good—there’s little I enjoy more than checking tasks off my to-do list—but my decades of clinical practice have been a great help. For many years before I became the mother of teenagers, I heard the parents in my practice lamenting how quickly the end of high school had arrived. So whenever I feel torn between sticking with my own plan for the evening and setting it aside to engage, I remind myself that I will soon have evening upon evening to spend as I please. And when that time comes, I’ll regret it if I didn’t make the most of the nights when one of my teenagers was feeling chatty.
As for effective apologies, researchers have found that they include six components: explicitly saying that you are sorry, offering an explanation, acknowledging responsibility, promising not to repeat the mistake, trying to make amends, and requesting forgiveness.
If you suspect you made a misstep somewhere along the line but don’t know exactly what it was, try not to be defensive, and instead make an earnest appeal to your teen along these lines: “I can tell that you’re not feeling comfortable talking with me about topics that are close to your heart. Is there anything I’ve done or said that has gotten in the way? I’m asking because I want to make it right between us.”
August 3, 2023
There was a lot of information in this text. Some information that I feel is common understanding but a lot of ideas on how to approach tweens/teens to help connect and understand the brain behind this age group, so the why. I listened and there was so much that I am going to buy the book to have ideas of approaching topics when they arise. It was helpful to me as a middle school teacher and a parent of boys coming into this time frame soon.
November 6, 2023
A really great overview of how to have a good parent-child relationship. I think it focuses on teenagers, but I think the advice would be handy for parents of tweens or any kid capable of reason (so, like older than the toddler who bursts into tears when you hand them the yellow cup they had just asked for). I especially liked the advice she gives on when to give advice (and when not to), and also what she says about teens that tend to unload their anxieties/stresses onto their parents.
November 29, 2023
This is the third book by Lisa Damour that I have read and its just as good as the others. I learned a lot and connected with all of this book, both as a parent and teacher of teenagers. I listened to this and I probably would have been better served by purchasing my own copy I could highlight. Highly recommend to anyone who parents or works with teenagers.
September 17, 2023
4.5 stars
October 28, 2023
Yes! This book was everything I was hoping it would be. Gave me practical advice and good information as we head into the teen years. I will definitely be referencing and reading this again in the years to come. I loved this and recommend it for anyone who has a teenager, was a teenager, or will have a teenager in the future.
November 22, 2023
A must read for parents raising teens. Great practical advice.
March 22, 2024
I had some high hopes for this book when Damour's description of mental health was, essentially, appropriate reactions at appropriate times. Unfortunately, it went downhill from there. She spent an unnecessarily long time putting disclaimers on everything so as to not step on the PC police's toes, and pretty much changed her own definition of mental health to the current do what you need to do to feel good and happy when it came to LGBTQ kids.
Some tips for communication were helpful, but it seemed like a lot of letting kids getting away with lippy, disrespectful behavior just because they were teenagers. Someone in our book study said, "I'm confused. The first half of their life I've been teaching my kids to obey rules and to be respectful, and now that they're teens, I'm supposed to let them disrespect me or not do their chores just because they're in a bad mood?"
Not one I'll be recommending to friends.
Some tips for communication were helpful, but it seemed like a lot of letting kids getting away with lippy, disrespectful behavior just because they were teenagers. Someone in our book study said, "I'm confused. The first half of their life I've been teaching my kids to obey rules and to be respectful, and now that they're teens, I'm supposed to let them disrespect me or not do their chores just because they're in a bad mood?"
Not one I'll be recommending to friends.
September 27, 2023
I need to re-read this already. It makes so much sense.
June 19, 2023
Reading Damour’s books makes me feel like I have a wise, warm, and thoughtful aunt guiding me in my parenting. I don’t have teenagers yet so I plan to relisten in a couple of years but some advice already feels applicable to my tween and I feel better prepared for what’s to come. I also enjoyed her Untangled about parenting teenage girls.
January 17, 2024
Wow! This book is phenomenal and a must-read for all parents of tweens and teens! So much helpful info that I look forward to reading it again.
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