Conversations in Cars with Colby; How to Talk to Kids about Hard Things
by Mari Jones
Even at the adolescent age of fourteen, Colby and I can still talk about anything. This didn’t happen by accident; it was intentional. I started working at a charter school that emphasizes social and emotional learning (SEL) when Colby was just a baby, and the practices that helped me to develop students into critical thinkers, problem solvers, and empathetic human beings also greatly helped my parenting as I navigated the many challenging topics that came up.
Whether we attend to it or not, kids are actively making sense of the world all the time. Their sense-making informs the way they interact with others, the way they see themselves, and the impact they have on the world around them. Like most parents, I often wondered about when it would be the right age to discuss certain challenging topics, and more importantly, how might I go about those conversations. As a social and emotional learning (SEL) educator and a parent, I saw teachable moments everywhere.
Our world and our experiences provide a powerful text to inspire children’s natural curiosity. We just have to be willing to be brave enough to go there with them.
When Colby was younger, I decided to lean into those teachable moments as they arose. I saw them as opportunities to build social awareness, empathy, and responsible decision- making skills. My intention as a parent has been to be as honest with Colby as possible, with the belief that he is capable of understanding the world and using the new knowledge to develop his decision-making schema.
Throughout these conversations with Colby, my goals have always been:
- To make him feel safe;
- To share just enough;
- To answer his questions seriously;
- To connect the conversation to big ideas about the world.
While these conversations can come up at any time, I’ve found that many times they happen in the car on the way to or from school. It is in these moments that Colby and I can connect with one another and have a dedicated time and space for deep conversations. Here are some strategies that might help you as you navigate your own conversations with the young people in your life.
1. Embrace the questions.
Colby has always been naturally curious. So curious was this kiddo that when he was in first grade, his self-selected superhero alter ego was “Question Man.” He even had a cape with question marks all over it! Questions allowed him to lead the conversation and I have always tried to answer honestly with factual information that he could understand.
Sometimes, the questions would come out of nowhere, and I would feel unprepared, like with the one below. If you aren’t sure what a child is thinking or where a question is coming from, just say – “Tell me more,” or “What do you mean?” Their response not only buys you some time to think, but also sheds light on the thinking behind their question.
C: Mom, do people choose not to have kids?
M: Yes.
C: Do you know anyone who is married and chose not to have kids?
M: Sharmi and Dean are married and they are not having kids. Jake and Annie are married and are not having kids.
C: But HOW do people choose not to have kids?
M: What do you mean?
C: How do they stop it?
M: Well, there are ways to prevent having kids, like you can take a pill. I take a pill.
C: But boys don’t take a pill.
M: No, it’s for women. Boys do other things.
C: So you aren’t having any more kids.
M: Nope.
In this case, I didn’t feel like I needed to get into the weeds about how a baby is made, and also the details about contraception. However, when he was nine, we started reading It’s So Amazing, A Book About Eggs, Sperm, Birth, and Families together as a read aloud. This book shares information accurately and inclusively, and reading it aloud together allowed us to have conversations led by his questions that came up. This leads us to tip number two.
2. Ground the conversation in a shared text.
When I’m unsure about how to talk about a topic, it can be helpful to have a shared text; a book, an art piece, a TV show, or a movie, that helps to frame the conversation. Any text can be helpful in generating questions that he might be curious about, but informational texts are particularly helpful so that I don’t feel like I have to generate all the answers myself.
When Colby was eleven, we read Jason Reynold’s and Ibram X. Kendi’s Stamped: Racism, Antiracism, and You together as a read aloud. Again, this shared text about the history of racism raised all kinds of questions and allowed us to share what we thought about the experiences of the people and the events that happened. It also allowed us to make connections with how oppression continues to shape our country in the present day. During these conversations, I asked a lot of open-ended questions because I wanted to teach him how to think critically, not just tell him what to think. Because the text we were reading was aligned with my own worldview, I made a point to share that some people believe differently. For example, when we read about the invention of race to justify the enslavement of Africans, I told him this information was something I only learned as an adult and that many people believed race was just a fact of life or based on science. I asked him why he thought this was the case, which led to a rich conversation about whose and what stories get shared, and why. We talked about how the sources we get information from might promote one perspective more than another which is important when forming our own opinions.
In general, I refrain from sharing my opinions directly unless he asks, and instead, I offer facts and multiple perspectives, then ask him what he thinks. If I notice some alternative conceptions, then I probe with more questions to get a better understanding of his understanding. Oftentimes the conversations might end there for the moment, but get built upon another time.
3. Normalize the conversation.
Children make judgments about whether something is “normal,” “okay” or “something not to be spoken about” based on our actions, words, and the things we choose to stay silent about. When Colby was seven, he heard someone say that Julia was getting married to Nikki. He asked:
C: Is a lady marrying another lady?
M: Yes.
C: Ah, one of those couples. Because, you know, sometimes ladies marry guys.
M: Yes, sometimes they do.
While this was a small conversation, it had big implications. How different might the message have been if instead I had said, “Yes, they typically do”? The choice to say “sometimes” intentionally pushes against the heteronormative conditioning of our society, and allows for a more inclusive idea of what can be “normal.” My hope is that this develops him to be more thoughtful, empathetic, and inclusive. Not only that, it lets him know that he is accepted and welcomed no matter how he identifies and that families can take many forms.
Whether the conversation was about sex, racism, drugs, or prison, the message was always that it’s okay to talk about it, because that’s how we learn things. And we learn by looking at how things came to be this way and understanding the facts so that he can come to his own conclusions.
Kids Are Capable
Colby is not a unique case. In my experience, when given the opportunity to engage in conversations that matter, young people consistently show their ability to question, to empathize, to connect, and to shape their future actions. Watching young people develop their self-awareness, their social awareness, and their critical consciousness are some of my favorite things about being a parent and a teacher. So, the next time your kiddo asks, “Why?” or you encounter another teachable moment, lean into it! You’ll be amazed and surprised by what can happen when we talk about hard things.
Mari Jones is the Director of the Deeper Learning Hub and an improvement facilitator at the Center for Research on Equity and Innovation at High Tech High Graduate School of Education. She is an elementary educator turned large-scale change maker, and is passionate about the intersection of social and emotional learning and project-based learning as a powerful pathway to deeper learning.
Mari’s Book Recommendations:
It’s So Amazing! was created in response to repeated requests from parents, teachers, librarians, and health professionals for an up-to-date book about sex and sexuality for children who were still too young for It’s Perfectly Normal. Once again, the Bird and Bee are up to their antics, but this time they’re younger. In It’s So Amazing!, these reassuring characters reflect the many moods of children age 7 and up: silly, serious, curious, embarrassed. Their voices echo the thoughts, questions, and concerns of a younger audience.
For ages 12 and up, Stamped is a timely, crucial, and empowering exploration of racism–and antiracism–in America. The construct of race has always been used to gain and keep power, to create dynamics that separate and silence. This is a remarkable reimagining of Dr. Ibram X. Kendi’s Stamped from the Beginning, winner of a National Book Award. It reveals the history of racist ideas in America and inspires hope for an antiracist future. Stamped takes you on a race journey from then to now, shows you why we feel how we feel, and why the poison of racism lingers. It also proves that while racist ideas have always been easy to fabricate and distribute, they can also be discredited.
